Dramatis Personae

Hamlet, a Danish person

Naomi, a smart climate protester

Ceridwen, a Welsh goddess

Sarayu, a Welsh spirit

Alphonse, a French holy fool and magician

Joshua, son of Mr G

Kermit, a corporate baddie

various ambassadors, planetary grave diggers, diplomats, presidents, protesters, clowns, cops, security guards, corporate branding gurus and lobbyists

Act 1, Scene 42

Bella Center, a fortress near Elsinore, Denmark

Enter HAMLET

Ham. To deal, or not to deal: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to cut emissions

Or suffer the slings and arrows of climate protesters

Or to take bribes from a sea of corporate lobbyists

Or, by opposing, end them?

To lie, to creep: and, if we creep, to say we end

The thousand natural shocks and side effects of climate change

Must give us climate credits to carry on emissions

As we carried on before

To sleep; perchance to dream: ay, there's a plan

For in that sleep, what storms will come

Long after we have shuffled off this mortal coil

Don't give a thought

Of calamity

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all

And thus we will avoid a resolution

And lose the thought of action

Sar. Hi there!

Cer. Hi!

Jos. Hi!

Sar. You look awful!

Jos. It's nothing. Just a few cops! Nothing is good or bad: only thinking makes it so.

Alph. If they do a deal here today, it will be nothing more than a corporate rebranding.

Enter KERMIT

Ker. A man may fish with the worm that hath eat of a king, and eat of the fish that hath fed of that worm. As long as it pays the bills.

Cer. Your worm is your only emperor for diet: we fat all creatures else to fat us, and we fat ourselves for maggots: your fat king and your lean beggar is but variable service; two dishes, but to one table: that’s the end. We only have one planet!

Naom. We must stick to the issues. The people are being sold down the river by corporate greed.

Ker. So what? The economy is fucked, and I need a new Porsche!

Cer. These modern times are most perplexing. Methinks a change of heart and more respect for Mother Earth are what we need.

Ker. Fuck your mother, motherfucker!

Ham. What a piece of work is a man!

Cer. What is the reason that you use me thus? The cat will mew and dog will have his day. The soldier's music and the rites of war speak loudly for him.

Naom. We must reject false solutions. The real solutions are not on the Bella Center agenda.

Cer. They seem to pretend that we are all one big happy family.

Jos. Well now we are!

Cer. Time for a sharp exit strategy. So much poverty and pollution, yet such an embarrassment of riches.